..wish list..

wish list for myself (including long run wants)
.the books that i want to buy
.DSLR
.rubik's cube (original 3x3 and 5x5)

countries i want to visit:
.france
.singapore
.japan
.korea
.guatemala (for Xela!.hehe)
.italy (?)
.india or nepal! (love the bags here)

..soon, i'll add things here :)

spent some time in my paradise

on my way going home, i decided to spend some time alone in my paradise...and that's National Bookstore!. just like walking alone to places I really don't know, this is one of the best things that I love to do. Just browsing through some books that I love (and hopefully, have one copy each), I feel so serene...so heavenly. Well, I just love books that much that's why one of the most visited places for me in a mall is a bookstore..just the mere scene of many shelves full of books makes me want to stay for few hours (yeah..only if I have the luxury to stay there for hours, I will!). And the usual spots: fiction, sci-fi and fantasy, classics, acad books like history and econ, and philosophy (and other practices). Just imagine what i look like while walking and looking at the books that I love like Othello in classics, Time Traveler's Wife, Winner Stands Alone, The God of Small Things, Umberto Eco's books in fiction, and Spiderwick Chronicles in fantasy. Geez, every negativity left my body!. Sad to say, photography books were sealed so I was not able to browse even few pages. O well, aside from coffee shop and hardware (or furniture shop), bookstore gives me peace. I swear! My paradise...Ooooh, I forgot to visit one of my fave corners in a bookstore: the art corner. I love to look at different paint brushes and paints. As for the canvas, I really don't have to buy one coz it's really easy to make. Anyway, going back...there are really lots of books that I want to buy. Better start collecting them now (now that i still have work!.haha) One of these days, I will again visit my paradise. Especially after a very stressful shift! :)

unexpected things really do surprise you (that's why they're called unexpected..haha)

procrastinating...maybe.,but i still don't know.,there are some things in my life that i want to wipe out.,i was in the process of reflecting last night.,a deep one as i can say.,i don't know but there are things in my life that i don't understand.,then he said, stop blaming yourself.,he's correct.,maybe,not every negative thing or event that happens in my life is really my fault.,i was surprised (his reactions were unexpected),,i'm lucky he's like that.,we talked seriously last night about the questions that need to be answered.,he explained some things to me.,this is one of the reasons why i love him so much.,he understands me as much as he could.,and i do love him for that.,i'm attached...i know that.,now i can say that this is it.,the go signal is on.,no turning back now.,because i also can't turn back now.,i mean, i already let myself be attached to him (though ever since that's the case.,it's different at this moment).,this is the unexpected thing that happened last night.,his reactions were really unexpected.,i didn't cover up things last night.,it's just that,,there are information that are hard to discuss.,or i'm too shy to discuss..i don't know.,i'm like that.,but then, he made me realize he's not just a friend.,i know that.,but still,,,i don't know.,every day, i can feel that i want to be with him more.,but then i know it's not possible.,we have separate lives.,we have our own lives.,we are different people who are in a relationship.,a very deep one.,this is actually the reason why i don't want to be so attached to him.,because i don't like this feeling...

..sudden urge..

and here i am, quietly contemplating on some things in my life. Sometimes, I really can't understand myself...it's like I don't know myself anymore. Sometimes, I'm thinking that I'm still the old me; the one who's so vulnerable and fragile. A while ago, there was a sudden urge to be alone.

my productive days.. :)

well,,just yesterday (technically the other day), i listed down many things to accomplish..so what's the outcome?.i can say i was so productive last nov. 1.,did the laundry only halfway, cleaned the room (just removed some dirt on the floor), wrote 3 articles out of 12 (god!.not even halfway!),and stayed awake till 2am or 3am working on facebook!.but don't worry, aside from spending lots of time surfing the net and doing different stuff on facebook, i also watched a movie..haha..and guess what.,it's Ploning.,i can say that it's a good movie though, i just got confused on some details of the movie.,i ended up searching for some summary and explanations because i was really confused at the end of the movie.,besides, the movie's not in tagalog so i have to focus on the subtitle just to understand the movie.,it was really a struggle but still it's a nice movie to watch.,good thing i didn't watch that in a movie house.,hehe.,anyway,going back to me being soooo productive.,this day is also productive.,i continued my laundry (and to my surprise, i was about to go down to the laundry area when my sister told me the machine's broken!.so i have to handwash some jackets and some stuff..thank God the pants were done yesterday!) also, i wrote 2 more articles (making them 5 in total..still not even half the requirement!) BUT i cooked food for lunch.,and that's pancit canton!.haha.,the only 'productive' thing i did today was to clean my bathroom..gosh, after many eons, i finally got the courage of entering that bathroom not to bathe but to clean it..i was not surprised of seeing kingdom animalia, protista and eubacteria there.,different species of algae, amoeba, and bacteria (haha..just kidding,,just exaggerating how dirty my bathroom WAS..but not anymore!). I took me an hour to clean the floor and some parts of the wall. To tell you, my bath is really small.,it's like 2 1/2 to 3 meters only..It was really tiring scrubbing and removing those algae in my tiles.,i thought it would take me years to finish just the floor.,but then, it's clean now.,i can enjoy spending some quality time in my sanctuary again.,writing and reading different stuff there. or just having some deep thoughts on the things that are happening and those that had already happened in my life...see,you shouldn't plan ahead,,you'll only get frustrated (or was it just me??.hehe)

the pit stop

there are things that when they're done, they're just done. no going back. This is the reason for this blog. Just last night, I was surprised by the sudden surge of fate that came across my life. My recent ex texted me letting me know his new number. At first, I even didn't bother to save that number. But because of some reason, I went back to my phone inbox, opened the message and saved the number. I replied, saying "orayt" and nothing else. Then he replied and that's where the story began. It was a frustrating night because i was honestly pissed off. The flow of the conversation is leading me to the pit stop (again) and with this, i know i will be (once again) the villain. And so it happened. He told me that he's just waiting for my answer. i answered all his questions, I told him what he needed to hear. Coz honestly, he can't just undo what he did. Actually when i have the chance to reminisce (i know this is the positive term,,i can't think of the negative one), all my disappointments are surging in. It'll end up I don't want to think about it again. I just don't think that I'm already over (to what happened...ok?.coz i'm totally over that). I can feel all the pain again, how that event in my life ruined my personality, my self-esteem, myself. I don't wanna go back to that pit of fire. Coz i want to rebuild myself (and thank God someone's there to help me rebuild my damaged self).

..DDO.. :)

My fear is gone as i venture in my new road. I thought it would take so long for me to give myself a new beginning where i can rediscover my self. But here I am, trying to give my best for my new life. It never occurred to me that this will happen so fast. As i can still remember, last month was the month when i had a hard time trusting new people that enter my life. It was a struggle because i'm really not used of not giving my all. It's like i was backing off so as not to be hurt that much. Last month, I can say that I was still damaged, ruined, and helpless. I was weak. I needed an assurance that he will not hurt me in one way or another. But now, I can say that he slightly assured me about the things I needed to be assured of. I'm lucky. In the first place, he came into my life so sudden and he planned to fix me. Look at us now, I can say we're not perfect but trying to make the perfect moments together. I am still struggling to forget all the pain that i have encountered and he's really trying to help me get through. Coz every time i see him, the smile on his face makes me see life so light and wonderful. The thoughts he's sharing with me, they are like eye-opener that life really sucks but it's up to us how we're gonna face that sh!t and bounce back. He's teaching me a lot of things, from technical stuff to different aspects of life. I don't wanna plan ahead because I got traumatized by that. I just want to float through what life gives me and from there, step by step, little by little, i'm going to build my future...with him.

..crossroads..

just reviewed my past blogs and i realized i am again in a crossroad.,maybe i'm just overreacting or something that's why i feel this sh*t inside me..do i have the reasons to feel them overpowering me? now i know that i'm really that weak..a weakling. and here i am, playing my game. just trying to enjoy the game while everything around is screwed up (but not totally..it's just that when it comes to my perception in my work, i'm screwed up). I know that each and every single day is new and unique, but before the day starts, i can feel the emptiness in what i'm doing. weeks before, the only reason why i still go to work is because of him. and now, it's even hard for us to see each other because we have different shifts. but as what he had said, they are only schedules. so we're struggling or rather i'm struggling every freaking day. i'm struggling just to survive the day. i'm empty. i'm null. but i convince myself that i'm not hopeless. there's still hope when i'm with him. still hoping that someday, i will be really happy with what i'm doing. but then, i'm trying to assess myself, maybe the real problem is me. i mean, i like to get things that easy that's why i'm struggling right now. i wanna quit but a part of me is saying that i should go on to prove myself. am i supposed to do that? this is where the crossroad comes in. i'm lost, i wanna go home.

..requited love..

In love, yes…but I can feel the avoidance and refrainment of my subconscious (if you can call it subconscious). Maybe it’s my defense mechanism brought by my past relationship. I am now afraid to fall deeply in love again…but he taught me, or teaching me to trust again…not to be afraid, not to be afraid of falling in love again. He’s teaching me and making me feel the security. He’s making me feel the warm blanket around me, around us. He’s teaching me something that I already forgot…and that’s the connection of love and trust. I thought that trust will never come again in my life. but he proved me wrong. At first, I thought all guys are the same. To tell you, I am hard to manage…really hard to manage. But he’s doing it, in spite of all the things that happened to me and all the thoughts that I had. Now, my heart is gradually coping, gradually breathing, gradually beating as before. It’s because of his protection, it’s because of his love. That’s why I am once again ready to love and trust again…to bring back the old heart that loves continuously without doubt. To love myself and the one who loves me. I am recuperating from a disastrous or traumatic relationship. This is a new beginning. Everything’s new, everything’s fresh. Nevertheless, the lessons are still with me, assuring that I’ll never forget them.

i'm supposed to be at the ops area now, but here i am, contemplating on what had happened just a while ago

yup,,i really had a very bad shift today..but then, i don't feel that bad at all..it's a sad thing..supposedly, i'm on the phone right now till 8am but then because of the bad conversion, i was sent home by our supervisor..actually, i'm not interested in going home,,not at this time..i'll just wait here till my wavemates are done taking in calls..it's actually a sad thing but then i have no choice.,the good thing here is that i'm still positive now..it's really weird that the event didn't hit my emotions..i'm just looking at the brighter side now..at least my voice box can rest now.,right?.

anyway,so here i am..deeply contemplating on some stuff about my life..but then, i'm still happy.,because of someone., :)

yesterday, today, tomorrow

i love you more each day.. :)

i really do love you mahal ko...

fairytale in our life

Once in a while, we dream of having our own fairytale. The one with "happily ever after" and the one where we find our prince charming. But fairytales aren't true. There's no such thing as fairytale in reality. Why? It is because there are really not happily-ever-afters and we can't find our perfect prince.

But fairytales give us hope...we learn to dream. This is what's important in our life...our dreams. But we should not just stop there. We have to live in our own dreams that are close to reality.

In life, we can't have our happily ever after because believe it or not, agree with me or not, there are really problems that we have to face. BUT...we can be happy even if we have our own problems. It's just how we deal with them...how we see them. We should be skeptical...this is a must. But this should not shatter our dreams...so we can reach our own happiness. With this, we can say that we have lived our life to the fullest...just like a "happy ending". Endings signify new beginnings. So we should not be disappointed if something in our life has ended. This is the signal that we have to move on...move on from all the things that we have held on to. Because things aren't permanent. The only constant thing in this world is change. So why hold back to those things that need to be changed? Because whether we like it or not, we lose one...but we gain two. This is how life works.

So never stop dreaming and believing...because if things aren't perfect now, sooner or later, everything will change and will be all fine...and this is what we can now call our own fairytale.

night thoughts

i was suddenly awaken by a phone call...but i was not sleeping. in fact, i was wide awake. this is the reason for the awakening. i was awake but not in reality. yes, i am emotional once again.

i need to sleep but how am i going to do that?.i rolled, changed my position, sketched, and cross stitched. i'm still awake. i am awake.

am i?. not really,,not in every aspect of my life. i feel that most of my parts are sleeping. my mind, my heart,,i'm suddenly stunned by reality. i got lagged. paused. not moving an inch.

...where do i have to go?.or do i have to?.i know i have to. i know i want to. i want to change this stunning, this pausing...because i know i'm passive.

i'm tired of thinking.
i'm tired of showing numbness in me
i'm tired...of moving.
because i know what i'm doing is wrong. indeed.

at least i know that i'm wrong. i admit it. i am aware. no need to tell me.
i have hurt too much, not for myself but for others. i hurt. they hurt. he hurts.

this is reality. this is the world. this is my world.
this is where i'm moving.
and this is where i'm going to start changing.

crossroads? no. not anymore. i'm moving inch by inch each day. but at times, i'm stepping backwards. but the bottomline is, i do not stop moving.

i am not stunned at all.
this is what i have realized now (just now)
coz i'm sailing. but not away. towards.

i know i can get to the finish line. to the island. to the shore. to where my heart leads me to.
this is me. this is who i am.
i can change. but not entirely.
i can remove things. but not all.
i can still be me. but only half.

because half of me belongs to you.
only to you.

.i love you.

..it all went well..

yup..i thought it would be one of my worst, but it didn't. i was surprised of how everything went fine.. :)

..bringing back the old hobby..

the other day, we went to the mall with really no plan on what to do (aside from looking for router). So i decided to go to videoke booth... :)

i just miss the old days when i was so addicted to it. We sang different songs, old and not-so-new ones. :)

definitely, i enjoyed that moment.

after the first round, we ate and then had a second round of singing. this time, we reached the limit of 12 songs (but i asked the crew to make it 13..haha..)

it's really a fun activity. Singing. Though the song is really not fond of me (haha). But i enjoy singing even when not in a booth. it feels so good. i feel relieved every time i do that.

It's sort of releasing my emotions. Sometimes, i sing the song because of the message but most of the time, because of the melody (the pitch of the song and the tune). I like it when the song is perfectly in tuned with my voice range. It makes me feel like a pro singer!. haha.

anyway, it's really a nice bonding moment. :)

a sudden slap

there was a sudden slap..i was suddenly ashamed of myself being such. it's my choice but it really bothers me...a lot. but this is reality, this is the real world. I can't live within my dreams forever. We can't. Nobody can't unless you are a psycho or something. But for normal ones, we know we can't. Unless we deny that reality in our lives. But that denial will not take so long. It will end soon. Sooner that we thought. And now is the time for me. I was slapped with that reality. It took a long time for me to clear my head. I was suddenly lost in the middle of the street because all i thought is that i'm doing just fine. But i was wrong. That mistake is the one that i learned today. How many people will say that to me? I think no one will dare because it's a taboo...a considered taboo in the conventional and conservative world. It felt so bad but I am starting to internalize and arrange the thoughts and things in my life.

I was slapped...real hard.

i'm dead tired

yes...my eyes are tired again (and this time, not because of crying)

got loads to do..i need to finish some stuff so before i could go home tonight. (and have a peaceful rest...hmmmm,,can't wait for that.haha)

got messed up

got messed up, got screwed up.

i know everything is perfectly fine, but it was me who messed things up. because of that thing that bothers me for years now, i'm not perfectly well. i know i'm still sick. it pisses me off

my mind is working perfectly sometimes, but other times it's not. as i have said in my other post, my mind is clouded with thoughts. i'm bothered. i'm not well.

because of this, i can't think clearly. because of this, i'm messed up.
but this time, i know i have to face it. i know i have to accept it. because with this, i know i can get myself better...healed.

...walang pamagat...

MAHAL NA MAHAL TALAGA KITA Mahal Ko! :)

kandila by sugarfree

Ngayong gabi
Madilim dito
Walang ilaw
Brownout sa aking mundo
Sa init naiinip
Sa dilim nangangapa
Naalala tuloy kita

Kandila lang ang kasama kandila lang
Kamusta ka na kaya?

Kung kailan pa nawalan ng ilaw
Tska pa lang naging malinaw
Baka ako ang may kasalanan
Kung bakit tayo ay may tampuhan
Di na pwedeng pagusapan

Sori di kita hinabol
Sori tayo'y malabo
May-maya lang ay may ilaw na
Pero sana ay malaman mo
Magka ilaw man madilim pa rin
Magka ilaw man madilim pa rin kung wala ka

a not-so-bright-sunshiny-day

screwed up..yeah.,those are the words that can describe me right now..,totally screwed up.,

began last night.,everything followed,,til now everything's screwed up.

..my second entry today..

technically, it's really not 'today' coz it's already past 12midnight..just for this stressful day because i'm still awake..

anyway,,just pissed off with everything that happened to me..they are really downfalls for me.,well, not really everything.,

the reason??.well, i just think this is not my day.,yeah..it's really not my day..first, got unlucky with LTO.,then, my one ptc account got screwed up..,and then, i got demoted-slash-on probation in one of my freelancing jobs..see..what else?????.i'm totaly screwed up.,

maybe i just need some sleep..and i hope i can sleep though
tomorrow, i mean later, hope everything will be fine..i hope there'll be good news for me..
i suddenly lost my interest in what i'm doing right now..really..

i suddenly felt tired.

..just don't want to add a title..

it is same as saying this post is untitled. I don't want to give a title to this blog entry because i just feel like not placing any. Honestly, i don't know what i'm going to say in this entry. i just want to write something (and that's not for the sake of writing and earning something). I want to unwind from the stressful day that i had. Stressful because i have a deadline to beat. (nearly 3 hours to go and my time is up). Still, i haven't finished my assignment up to now. One article is such a long one for me right at this moment. It's because my mind is clouded with so many things. Things comin' in and goin out. They just don't settle (i mean my thoughts). They're flying everywhere. If only i could see my brain, i could see smog in it. lots of smog. maybe you're asking why i thought of smog, right?. actually, i don't know too. i just thought that smog is a combination of good and bad. and that's exactly what's happening inside my head. if i could just order my thoughts to stop bothering me so i could finish my work. but i can't. they just won't listen. i just won't listen. (and now i'm talking to myself..freak right)..well, this is the beauty of writing a blog entry. you can talk stupidly to yourself. just like what i'm doin right now.

minutes are passing. seconds. microseconds.

i'm hanging.

i'm hung.

i'm...

...totally confused.

and that's what i am now. confused. confused of what to think. confused of what to believe. i barely can't breathe. smog's into my chest now (finally leaving my null mind)

...and now the smog's starting to numb me. it's starting to make my chest null too.

i dunno..i just dunno.

..a happy day..

planning your future is an exciting thing in your life. But what makes it more exciting is when you do it with the one you really love. I did that today.

This completed my day. We went to church for the usual Sunday mass and headed towards my subdivision. We sat on an empty lot and spread a newspaper to protect our clothes. We looked at the metro (since our subdivision is located on a hill) and started to imagine...and plan.

It's a wonderful experience for me, especially that I did this with my special someone.
Honestly, this was the first time... :)