..sudden urge..

and here i am, quietly contemplating on some things in my life. Sometimes, I really can't understand myself...it's like I don't know myself anymore. Sometimes, I'm thinking that I'm still the old me; the one who's so vulnerable and fragile. A while ago, there was a sudden urge to be alone.

my productive days.. :)

well,,just yesterday (technically the other day), i listed down many things to accomplish..so what's the outcome?.i can say i was so productive last nov. 1.,did the laundry only halfway, cleaned the room (just removed some dirt on the floor), wrote 3 articles out of 12 (god!.not even halfway!),and stayed awake till 2am or 3am working on facebook!.but don't worry, aside from spending lots of time surfing the net and doing different stuff on facebook, i also watched a movie..haha..and guess what.,it's Ploning.,i can say that it's a good movie though, i just got confused on some details of the movie.,i ended up searching for some summary and explanations because i was really confused at the end of the movie.,besides, the movie's not in tagalog so i have to focus on the subtitle just to understand the movie.,it was really a struggle but still it's a nice movie to watch.,good thing i didn't watch that in a movie house.,hehe.,anyway,going back to me being soooo productive.,this day is also productive.,i continued my laundry (and to my surprise, i was about to go down to the laundry area when my sister told me the machine's broken!.so i have to handwash some jackets and some stuff..thank God the pants were done yesterday!) also, i wrote 2 more articles (making them 5 in total..still not even half the requirement!) BUT i cooked food for lunch.,and that's pancit canton!.haha.,the only 'productive' thing i did today was to clean my bathroom..gosh, after many eons, i finally got the courage of entering that bathroom not to bathe but to clean it..i was not surprised of seeing kingdom animalia, protista and eubacteria there.,different species of algae, amoeba, and bacteria (haha..just kidding,,just exaggerating how dirty my bathroom WAS..but not anymore!). I took me an hour to clean the floor and some parts of the wall. To tell you, my bath is really small.,it's like 2 1/2 to 3 meters only..It was really tiring scrubbing and removing those algae in my tiles.,i thought it would take me years to finish just the floor.,but then, it's clean now.,i can enjoy spending some quality time in my sanctuary again.,writing and reading different stuff there. or just having some deep thoughts on the things that are happening and those that had already happened in my life...see,you shouldn't plan ahead,,you'll only get frustrated (or was it just me??.hehe)

the pit stop

there are things that when they're done, they're just done. no going back. This is the reason for this blog. Just last night, I was surprised by the sudden surge of fate that came across my life. My recent ex texted me letting me know his new number. At first, I even didn't bother to save that number. But because of some reason, I went back to my phone inbox, opened the message and saved the number. I replied, saying "orayt" and nothing else. Then he replied and that's where the story began. It was a frustrating night because i was honestly pissed off. The flow of the conversation is leading me to the pit stop (again) and with this, i know i will be (once again) the villain. And so it happened. He told me that he's just waiting for my answer. i answered all his questions, I told him what he needed to hear. Coz honestly, he can't just undo what he did. Actually when i have the chance to reminisce (i know this is the positive term,,i can't think of the negative one), all my disappointments are surging in. It'll end up I don't want to think about it again. I just don't think that I'm already over (to what happened...ok?.coz i'm totally over that). I can feel all the pain again, how that event in my life ruined my personality, my self-esteem, myself. I don't wanna go back to that pit of fire. Coz i want to rebuild myself (and thank God someone's there to help me rebuild my damaged self).

..DDO.. :)

My fear is gone as i venture in my new road. I thought it would take so long for me to give myself a new beginning where i can rediscover my self. But here I am, trying to give my best for my new life. It never occurred to me that this will happen so fast. As i can still remember, last month was the month when i had a hard time trusting new people that enter my life. It was a struggle because i'm really not used of not giving my all. It's like i was backing off so as not to be hurt that much. Last month, I can say that I was still damaged, ruined, and helpless. I was weak. I needed an assurance that he will not hurt me in one way or another. But now, I can say that he slightly assured me about the things I needed to be assured of. I'm lucky. In the first place, he came into my life so sudden and he planned to fix me. Look at us now, I can say we're not perfect but trying to make the perfect moments together. I am still struggling to forget all the pain that i have encountered and he's really trying to help me get through. Coz every time i see him, the smile on his face makes me see life so light and wonderful. The thoughts he's sharing with me, they are like eye-opener that life really sucks but it's up to us how we're gonna face that sh!t and bounce back. He's teaching me a lot of things, from technical stuff to different aspects of life. I don't wanna plan ahead because I got traumatized by that. I just want to float through what life gives me and from there, step by step, little by little, i'm going to build my future...with him.