am i flattered?? (makapal na post)

am i really easy to love or people just think that i am easy to get?

this bothers me right now..just this week, i met someone. we're together for only about 2 days and he told me that he likes me to be his girlfriend. well, i am really shocked because he only got to know me really just the other day. we talked about our lives, our views in romantic relationship and the like. he asked for my number and i gave it because he looks like a good guy. i really don't have anything against him but i'm just wondering what is it that he saw in me that made him like me. he doesn't know that i am an activist. will he still like me if i told him that?

i told him that i am not yet ready for another commitment. things are just happening so fast just like what happened to kristian. everything came so fast, and everything was lost so fast too without me knowing that i was left hanging in the air. i don't want to experience another kristian in my life. maybe i was traumatized with what i experienced when there's someone who came to your life so fast because i know that he or she will also be gone the way he or she came and it will really hurt me so much.

..nothing..

ewan..gusto ko lng magblog about anything..i really don't know kung ano un basta i'll just write something..

maybe about how i feel..it's weird pero everyone tells me that i'm looking well lately..there's something in my smiles..ngyon pa na sobrang lungkot aq..oh well..at least ndi nila halata..or hindi ko nlng tlga pinapansin..ayokong kimkimin pero cguro tlgang hindi ko lng pinapansin..cguro nakatulong ng sobra ang brods and sisses sakn..kse lagi nila kong pinapatawa..nakakalimutan ko kung ano man ung nararamdaman ko..pero affected aq pag nakita ko sha?.cguro gusto ko lng makita ang reaction nia pag nakita nia q..un lng..


i try to say goodbye by macy gray

Games, changes and fears
When will they go from here
When will they stop
I believe that fate has brought us here
And we should be together
But wer,e not
I play it off but I'm dreamin of you
I'll keep it cool but I'm fiendin.
I try to say goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near
Goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near

I may appear to be free
But I'm just a prisoner of your love
I may seem alright and smile when you leave
But my smiles are just a front
I play it off but I'm dreamin of you
I'll keep my cool but I'm fiendin
I try to say goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near

Here is my confession
May I be your possesion
Boy I need your touch
Your love kisses and such
With all my might I try
But this I can't deny
I play it off but im dreamin of you
I'll keep my cool but I'm fiendin
I try to say good bye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near

..thought for the day..

after a while i've learned the difference of holding a hand and falling in love..
of a hug, and the hug that gets tighter..
of kisses, that they don't always mean something..
of people, that they come and go even if didn't want them to..
and so i learned to enjoy moment until it lasts, for i'll never know, until when it will be there..

because..

not all good things and good people last forever.

some yearend thoughts..

I thought 2007 will be a good year for me. Well, it was for some reason and not really for some. 7 is my favorite number and I thought that 777 will be a good one for me.

A new life will soon to come when January came. It was because my sister got pregnant. But then, a life was almost taken away in March, when I was hospitalized for a week.

Life is so precious to waste on something stupid and life is so precious to be taken for granted.

I asked the Lord why he gave me a second chance to live. I really don’t know why and waited for his answer. Maybe he wanted me to learn something. That was not my time to die, not yet.

I went to Riyadh to spend some time with my parents. I know that they wanted to talk to me and to let me feel their love. I spent my summer there with them and enjoyed the time given to me. I tried my best to spend most of it in very special ways. I remember when my parents’ fish died. I cried without them knowing. I mourned for the fish even though I was there for a short time. I felt the sadness of the lost life.

Time is gold and you should not waste it. Spend most of your time in a way that you would remember every detail of it. Time should be spent with caution.

I learned the situation of my mom at that time. Her contract was not renewed but only extended for months. We spent most of our nights hugging each other and at the same crying together. What will happen to us? I was not yet finished with my studies, my sister was pregnant and my other sister was planning her wedding. I went back to the Philippines feeling empty but full of memories and hopes.

Little things are precious. You should learn to appreciate them. One day, you might not even have the chance to have them. Nothing in this world is permanent. The only permanent is change. You never know, one day when you wake up, everything you have is gone.

My family showered me with love that they can give. They tried to let me feel being loved. They were the ones who lifted my spirit at times that I need it. They were the ones who stood by me.

Love your family because at the time when you feel that you don’t have someone to lean on, their shoulders are always there for you. They will never leave you.

So I continued my studies and tried to live my life to the fullest. I enjoyed every moment that I have. I was free, free from chains and balls. I was free from the one who caused me so much pain, from the one who also caused pain to my family. I enjoyed the company of my friends. I enjoyed my life because this is the way that I can forget my depression and trauma.

Never abandon your friends. True friends are hard to find now. They are your angels to guide and protect you. They will let you open your eyes when you are blind and open your heart when you’re like a stone.

I found a new love. I met him in two of my classes and fell in love with him. We do not have much in common except for music. We don’t have so much similarities. I love him. I love him because of the way he made me feel special in small ways.

Love comes in the most unexpected times of your life. Do not set your standards because you will only realize that you will not find your perfect one.

After few months, I fell in love with another guy. At first I don’t like him because I saw some traits of my ex in him. He was like a young version of my ex. But when time passed by, I ate what I said that I will never love someone who is like my ex. I saw that special something in him. I can’t explain but I fell in love with him. It was too late when I learned that there was a girl in his life. They are not yet committed but there’s something special going on between them. I tried to go away but I can’t. I was hooked. I was stranded. I can’t go but I can’t stay either. There was also something special between us. But when the time came to decide, I told him to end whatever is between us. We were in a very complicated situation.

I realized when the year nearly ended about something I have never thought I would realize. It’s something about a third party in a relationship. I realized that the third party isn’t really what they call the one who is more loved. The reality is that, he/she just happened to fill in the incompleteness in a person’s life and heart that the first one cannot give. It isn’t really about love but contentment and satisfaction.

I also realized that not all you want in this world will be given to you. Not everyone can love you the way you love them. There are times when you will be hurt because the person you love cannot love you back even though you seem to be perfect for him/her.

Another realization is that not everything that’s not wrong is right. Not everything that you think is right is right. There are times when you think something’s right is wrong after all. You have to listen to others especially to those who really care for you.

When you love, you have to love without asking for something in return. You love because you want to love and not because of something else.

When something suddenly came to your life, it might not last (but not always). In my case, I loved someone so fast. I never realized that the feeling I have for him will be gone the way it came to my senses.

Never be hooked on your past. It will do you no good. If you’re trapped in your past, you will not grow. There’s much ahead of you. You should only open your eyes and your heart in order to see and appreciate the things (and people) around you. Never be blind because you want something and you don’t even realize that a much better something else is just beside you because you are busy looking at what you want. It is like looking for an instrument in a music store and you are hooked up with the one you want. You never tried looking for something better.

Pain is normal. If you don’t feel pain, you’re not alive. Pain is the one that makes you alive because you feel it and you know it’s there. So when you’re hurt, just be thankful because you can feel it. It’s bitter sweet.

Till when will you wait? Wait until there’s no reason to wait. Wait until you realized that there’s nothing to wait for. Because if you force yourself to stop waiting, you will only wonder what might have been.

And, as what my best sis taught me, you always have a choice. it's not true that you don't have a choice. if you think you don't have, it's your choice to make that decision.

God answered my question. It was not my time when I did that because there’s so much in this life that I have to experience. I will meet new people. I will meet someone that I will love. I will experience happiness again. I will be filled with hope. If I died last March, I will not be able to meet romulus, or kristian, or gali. I will not be able to be with my beloved friends and family. I will not experience how to be strong. I will not be able to appreciate the little things around me. I will not be able to learn the value of life and love. I will not be able to meet my future husband (whoever that may be). I will not be happy again. I will not be able to fulfill my dreams. I will not be able to play in a jam and be given a flower. I will not be able to see my niece. I will not be able to feel the love that I deserve. I will not be able to realize that things happen for a reason. I will not be able to meet an angel.

In this life, there’s no grey, only black and white. And you should choose, where should you be, in black or in white. What should you be, black or white. Because in this life, grey is something complicated and it will never give you the happiness that you deserve. Everyone deserves happiness. Even the most evil person has the right to be happy. There’s no such thing as “in between” because we have the capacity to decide. But at times, you can’t stop yourself from going to the grey area. It gives you pain but it also gives you happiness. You can’t decide whether you will stay or not because you think that there is something special going on between the two of you. You can’t decide because you don’t want to be hurt. But if you think about it, whatever decision you make, you will be hurt. So you might as well choose the right one in order to be safe.

At this point of you life, you will ask yourself, what do I really want in my life? Choose the one that makes you happy. But what if your happiness will also give you pain. What will you do? I don’t know the answer to that, that is why everyday I ask myself “what now?” I still don’t have the courage to let go and move on. But I also don’t have the strength to hold on.

I’m in a rollercoaster ride. I lost when I loved. I loved when I lost.

So now is 2008. I wonder what will happen this year. Will I love again or lose again? How much tears will I shed? And how much laugh will I make? We will see.

Welcome 2008!!!!