..am i selfish??..

yeah, that's my question now..alam q,ndi nmn tlaga kmi eh..pero parang ganun..magulo at malabo..one thing's for sure,we love each other..and dahil dun, parang ipinagdadamot q sha ngyon..cguro dala na lng din nung nangyari..ewan q ba..naffeel q tuloy na ang selfish q...alam q nmang mali eh...alam na alam q un..unang una, wala aqng karapatan..at pangalawa,kht nmn kmi e hindi pa rin tama un...ewan q ba..bkt ganito ang nangyayari sakn ngyon...haist..

mahal na mahal ko talaga sha..wala nmang duda dun eh..pro ndi q rin maintindihan ung sarili q ngyon...sana hindi na matapos kung anuman ang meron smin ngyon...kelangan lang nmin aucn lht ng kelangang aucn..at sana nga maayos pa sha...sana..pero extra effort para sa min..haist...

..you broke my heart..

unexpectedly, you broke my heart.

..funny thing i learned today..

funny how the things you hate before will become the things you’ll thank in the future..i was reading my testimonials this morning.me isa don na nagsabi na i should look at the bright side of what happened in my 2nd sem last school year. i failed one of my majors and i can’t graduate the coming summer term. i so hate my prof at that time. she was also my thesis adviser and that time, me and my thesis partner were having a hard time finishing our thesis. and so i re-enrolled my major subject. the funny thing there is that having to extend my studies made me meet the one i love now. and the more funny thing is that i met him while looking for a topic for my case study required in that subject..hehe..it’s so funny noh..fate really plays the way you don’t expect. and now i can say that things happen for a reason. that is why i can say that it’s so funny that the things you hate before will be the things you’ll thank in the future…i’m thankful for that subject..there was a sudden twist in my life… a funny little twist…

bakit nga ba ako naiirita??

bakit nga ba??.dahil ba hindi sha nagttxt?.e bakit ba kse ako nageexpect??.cguro dahil me bearing skn ang nangyari?.ewan q ba.,naaasar aq..kung may paguusap man, cguro nga kelangan ko un..or wala lang sha kaya hindi kelangan magusap?.gusto ko magusap kse gusto ko iclear sa knya lahat..i mean, hindi ko kse nagawa un..hai..asar!

awit ng pag-ibig XX

Awit ng Pag-ibig XX
Maisusulat ko ang pinakamalungkot na berso ngayong gabi
ni Pablo Neruda
sa salin ni Virgilio Almario

Maisusulat ko ang pinakamalungkot na berso ngayong gabi.

Maisusulat ko, halimbawa: "Mabituin ang gabi
at nanginginig, bughaw ang mga tala sa malayo."

Lumiligid sa langit ang simoy-gabi at umaawit.

Maisusulat ko ang pinakamalungkot na berso ngayong gabi.
Minahal ko siya, at minahal din niya ako paminsan-minsan.

Sa mga gabing ganito, ibinilanggo ko siya sa aking mga bisig.
Ulit-ulit ko siyang hinagkan sa lilim ng walang-hanggang langit.

Minahal niya ako, paminsan-minsan ko rin siyang minahal.
Sino ang hindi iibig sa kaniyang malalaki't mga matang tahimik?

Maisusulat ko ang pinakamalungkot na berso ngayong gabi.
Maiisip kasing hindi na siya akin. Madaramang wala na siya sa akin.

Maririnig ang gabing malawak, at mas lumalawak kung wala siya.
At pumapatak sa kaluluwa ang bersong tila hamog sa pastulan.

Maano kung hindi siya mabantayan ng aking pag-ibig.
Mabituin ang gabi at hindi siya kapiling.

Ito na ang lahat. May umaawit sa malayo. Sa malayo.
Hindi mapanatag ang kaluluwa ko sa pagkawala niya.

Upang waring ilapit siya, hinahanap siya ng aking mata.
Hinahanap siya ng aking puso, at hindi siya kapiling.

Ganito rin ang gabing nagpapusyaw sa ganito ring mga punongkahoy.
Kami, sa tagpong iyon, ang nagbago.

Hindi ko na siya mahal, natitiyak ko, ngunit minahal ko siya nang todo.
Hinahanap ng tinig ko ang simoy upang hipuin ang kaniyang pandinig.

Nasa iba. Siya'y nasa iba. Tulad noong katalik siya ng aking mga halik.
Ang kaniyang tinig, malinaw na katawan. Ang kaniyang matang walang-hanggan.

Hindi ko na siya mahal, natitiyak ko, ngunit baka mahal ko siya.
Napakaikli ng pag-ibig, napakahaba ng paglimot.

Dahil sa mga gabing ganito na ibinilanggo ko siya sa aking mga bisig
hindi mapanatag ang kaluluwa ko sa pagkawala niya.

Kahit ito na ang huling pighating ipapataw niya sa akin,
at ito ang huling mga bersong isusulat ko para sa kaniya.



"Puedo Escribir" ni Pablo Neruda salin ni Virgilio Almario

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isang napakalungkot na gabi (muli)..hindi ko alam kung bakit..dahil ba sa mga nangyayari?.hindi ko rin alam..kung kanino ko man ialay ang tulang to, ako na lang ang nakakaalam nun..ayoko ng komplikasyon, ayoko ng muling pag-iyak, ayokong masaktan...

mag-isip ka..ano ba tlga?.ano na ba??.diba ang hirap sagutin..kung ikaw nalilito, ano pa kaya ako?.nalilito, nahihirapan, nasasaktan...

alam mo kung ano...ayaw mo lang isipin..parang ako lang..tinatakasan ko ang pag-iisip..gusto kong idaan sa tulog ang lahat para hindi ko maisip..kse pag inisip ko ulit, ang hirap sagutin ng mga tanong sa isip ko..

pero masaya ako..kung alam mo lang.masaya akong nasasaktan..masokista no?.pero ganun tlga..kaya naman hahayaan ko na lang..kung anuman ang mangyari, e di nangyari..wala naman akong hawak sa bagay na to..masaya ako (sa piling mo)...

in preparation

i'm preparing myself for the possibilities that will and can happen in the future..
i'm just hoping that my preparation is enough to have me emotionally and psychologically stable.
i don't like what i'm feeling right now..i know that it is wrong. (very wrong indeed)
i hope that someday, i'll treat you just like any other person in my life..not as special as you seem right now..

i miss you..that's one thing for sure..even if i deny it many times, i know that i'm feeling that way..that i feel something special for you..whoever you are,.i hope i can say it to you..but i don't have the guts to do that. i don't want to ruin the friendship that we've built..i don't want to ruin everything..

for now, i'm preparing myself...

..manong, marikina!..

yeah, this is one of our jokes here in baguio..pag nag-aasaran, minsan kunyari walk-out tas sisigaw ng manong tas kung san gusto pumunta..tas parang magpapara ng cab..at kadalasan e kung san nakatira mga gusto nmin..harhar..just moments ago, i remembered the good days that we spent here (together with my two bestest bestfriends)..the way we laugh at our own corny jokes, and the way we pretend to get a cab and go anywhere we want...

i suddenly felt empty..

empty of what i should have.

bgla kong nafeel na gusto kong bumaba..i miss my home..i miss my sisters..i miss my parents..i miss my bestfriends.

actually, i'm not really empty..they're there..it's just that maybe i'm longing for their hug (and un ang super kelangan ko ngayon)...their presence...

if i could just go to session road, ride a cab and tell the driver..."manong, marikina..."

...i would

..untitled..

ayokong umuwi.pagkat pagdating ko sa bahay ay katahimikan ang sasalubong sa akin.natatakot ako sa katahimikan dahil marami itong sinasabi.ayokong pakinggan ang sinasabi ng katahimikan.dapat ay may ginagawa akong mga ipapasa bukas.pero ayokong tumayo sa upuan upang magbayad at umalis.saan naman ako pupunta?saan ako pupulutin?wala rin namang handang salubungin ako.wala rin namang handang sunduin ako.walang handang pagbuksan ang pinto upang patuluyin ako.

saan na naman kaya ako mapapadpad nito?wala na naman kasiguraduhan.dahil bawat yapak ay walang direksyon.bawat yapak ay isang pagaalinlangan.bawat yapak ay patungo kung saan man.bawat yapak ay papunta...saan nga ba?

ayokong magisip.sa sobrang dami ng iniisip ko ay hindi ko na alam kung ano ang iisipin.maraming sinisigaw ang utak ko.kung ano rin ang isinisigaw ng puso ko.

IKAW.

..i'm just missin' you badly..

yeah.,tama nga.,tulad ng title ng blog na toh, i miss you..ewan..ewan q rin sa sarili q..i really think this is weird, the fact that i'm missin you..cguro nga para sa mga tao na close q, sanay na cla sa ganitong scenario..but as for me, i still find it weird to be attracted or be attached so fast..i'm assessing everything that has happened, and hindi ko tlga maisip kung kelan at paano..i just felt it..it lingers..your presence lingers..

kaya mejo nagbago lahat ng pananaw q sa buhay..harhar..it's really funny how a person like you change everything or all of my plans in life..i can still remember the moment that you asked me about my plans after graduation..harhar..wala lang..i just find it funny now that i suddenly didn't answer you about my real plans..bigla akong nablanko..kung napansin mo..bgla akong nagisip..coz at that very moment, i was just thinking about you and me together at that time..it's sad that the time flew so fast and we never noticed that soon, the sun will be up..i stayed awake all night with you..and that will be in my memory forever..the moments when we don't have any plan in our life (and it ended up walking along session road)..i really enjoyed your company..gusto kong kausap ang mga taong kagaya mo..hehe, and so many bloopers happened..

kaya tuloy, i'm missin' you right now...

..laya..

ikaw ang taong mapagpalaya...
ikaw ang taong nagpalaya...
at ikaw ang taong magpapalaya...

oo, ikaw nga. bkt ba kasi sa tuwing sasapit ang umaga ay ikaw ang naiisip ko..na sana khit makita ka man lang khit ndi tayo magusap, o hindi mo ko makita. khit na tingnan lang kita sa malayong lugar.

hindi ako nahihiyang aminin na gusto kita sa ibang tao. pero gaya ng dati, nahihiya ako pag ikaw na ang katapat ko. hindi ko na masabi ang gusto kong sabihin. hindi na ako makapagsalita. ngingiti nlng ako kasabay ng iyong magagandang ngiti. mga ngiting nagiging dahilan para ako'y manghina, at hayaan nlng ang lahat ng nararamdaman ko. bahala na.

hindi ako nahihiyang aminin na gusto kita. hindi ako nahihiya. hindi ako natatakot sa kung anuman ang sasabihin ng mga tao. pero ang hindi lang nila alam na hindi pa akong handang ipagsabi ay ang katotohanang hindi kita gusto...pero unti-unti na kitang minamahal.

ikaw ang taong magpapalaya. at ito ay sa maraming bagay. isa na ako don. isa ako sa mga palalayain mo. oo matagal na kong nagpalaya, pero hindi sa ganitong aspeto. hindi ko na kelangan pang palawigin, alam kong naiintindihan mo na. handa na ako, kung hindi man sayo...khit sa iba. tanggap ko na.

oo, ikaw nga. ikaw ang taong magpapalaya sa akin sa isang kahong madilim na matagal kong pinagkulungan. kung noo'y may kaunting liwanag, ngayon ay nakalabas na.

oo. ikaw ang taong nsa puso ko ngyon.

oo. ikaw ang babaeng gusto ko.

..unrequited love..

the unrequited love...

the heartache and heartbreak...

this is what i am supposed to be. this is what i should be.

i thought i've started to move on. i thought that i already took the first step. i just thought. but where am i now? how am i suppose to live? maybe i've already took the first step but i was not yet finished when i suddenly felt everything that i've felt before. everything came back so fast that i had no time to prevent it. i felt it again once more. i've wanted to build a shield around me so that i will not feel anything for him again. now this time, i have proven myself that i am not numb. because until now, i am still crying. my eyes are still crying while my heart is still sobbing.

..time and tide by basia..

It's hard for me to stop my heart
love never knows
when the time is right
I don't want to hurt
anybody but
can't help loving you

I never felt like this before
I know this is passion
worth waiting for
let love take take its course
that's the only thing
for us to do

We got time, oh baby,
there's no rush
gonna be a better
day for us
hang on
and I will
wait for you
our love will always stay as good as new

Time and tide
nothing and no one
can stop us now
for better for worse
this time I'm sure
it's gonna last

How can I stop my heart?
Love never knows
when the time is right
don't want to hurt
anybody
don't want to make them cry
don't want to make them cry

We've got time, oh baby
there's no rush
gonna be a better
day for us
hang on
and I will wait for you
Our love will always stay as good as...
new

It's a matter of time
only a matter of...
Time and tide
nothing and no one
can stop us now
for better for worse
this time I'm sure
it's gonna last
gonna last forever

We got time, oh baby
there's no rush
gonna be a better
day for us
hang on
and I will wait for you

..excerpt from a warm cup..

I nod, looking at the way you hesitate to take my hand, resting so near yours; I know you’re already gone. I will make it easy for both of us. I tell myself, I will forget the feel of your hands on my skin. I will smile and tell you that I’m happy for you because that what you want to hear, and that is what I want to believe. I will not hope you will be back soon nor say that I wish I where going with you. Instead, I will keep in my mind that there is nothing between us anymore. It’s just that the coffee is to warm and I am so cold…

am i flattered?? (makapal na post)

am i really easy to love or people just think that i am easy to get?

this bothers me right now..just this week, i met someone. we're together for only about 2 days and he told me that he likes me to be his girlfriend. well, i am really shocked because he only got to know me really just the other day. we talked about our lives, our views in romantic relationship and the like. he asked for my number and i gave it because he looks like a good guy. i really don't have anything against him but i'm just wondering what is it that he saw in me that made him like me. he doesn't know that i am an activist. will he still like me if i told him that?

i told him that i am not yet ready for another commitment. things are just happening so fast just like what happened to kristian. everything came so fast, and everything was lost so fast too without me knowing that i was left hanging in the air. i don't want to experience another kristian in my life. maybe i was traumatized with what i experienced when there's someone who came to your life so fast because i know that he or she will also be gone the way he or she came and it will really hurt me so much.

..nothing..

ewan..gusto ko lng magblog about anything..i really don't know kung ano un basta i'll just write something..

maybe about how i feel..it's weird pero everyone tells me that i'm looking well lately..there's something in my smiles..ngyon pa na sobrang lungkot aq..oh well..at least ndi nila halata..or hindi ko nlng tlga pinapansin..ayokong kimkimin pero cguro tlgang hindi ko lng pinapansin..cguro nakatulong ng sobra ang brods and sisses sakn..kse lagi nila kong pinapatawa..nakakalimutan ko kung ano man ung nararamdaman ko..pero affected aq pag nakita ko sha?.cguro gusto ko lng makita ang reaction nia pag nakita nia q..un lng..


i try to say goodbye by macy gray

Games, changes and fears
When will they go from here
When will they stop
I believe that fate has brought us here
And we should be together
But wer,e not
I play it off but I'm dreamin of you
I'll keep it cool but I'm fiendin.
I try to say goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near
Goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near

I may appear to be free
But I'm just a prisoner of your love
I may seem alright and smile when you leave
But my smiles are just a front
I play it off but I'm dreamin of you
I'll keep my cool but I'm fiendin
I try to say goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near

Here is my confession
May I be your possesion
Boy I need your touch
Your love kisses and such
With all my might I try
But this I can't deny
I play it off but im dreamin of you
I'll keep my cool but I'm fiendin
I try to say good bye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near

..thought for the day..

after a while i've learned the difference of holding a hand and falling in love..
of a hug, and the hug that gets tighter..
of kisses, that they don't always mean something..
of people, that they come and go even if didn't want them to..
and so i learned to enjoy moment until it lasts, for i'll never know, until when it will be there..

because..

not all good things and good people last forever.

some yearend thoughts..

I thought 2007 will be a good year for me. Well, it was for some reason and not really for some. 7 is my favorite number and I thought that 777 will be a good one for me.

A new life will soon to come when January came. It was because my sister got pregnant. But then, a life was almost taken away in March, when I was hospitalized for a week.

Life is so precious to waste on something stupid and life is so precious to be taken for granted.

I asked the Lord why he gave me a second chance to live. I really don’t know why and waited for his answer. Maybe he wanted me to learn something. That was not my time to die, not yet.

I went to Riyadh to spend some time with my parents. I know that they wanted to talk to me and to let me feel their love. I spent my summer there with them and enjoyed the time given to me. I tried my best to spend most of it in very special ways. I remember when my parents’ fish died. I cried without them knowing. I mourned for the fish even though I was there for a short time. I felt the sadness of the lost life.

Time is gold and you should not waste it. Spend most of your time in a way that you would remember every detail of it. Time should be spent with caution.

I learned the situation of my mom at that time. Her contract was not renewed but only extended for months. We spent most of our nights hugging each other and at the same crying together. What will happen to us? I was not yet finished with my studies, my sister was pregnant and my other sister was planning her wedding. I went back to the Philippines feeling empty but full of memories and hopes.

Little things are precious. You should learn to appreciate them. One day, you might not even have the chance to have them. Nothing in this world is permanent. The only permanent is change. You never know, one day when you wake up, everything you have is gone.

My family showered me with love that they can give. They tried to let me feel being loved. They were the ones who lifted my spirit at times that I need it. They were the ones who stood by me.

Love your family because at the time when you feel that you don’t have someone to lean on, their shoulders are always there for you. They will never leave you.

So I continued my studies and tried to live my life to the fullest. I enjoyed every moment that I have. I was free, free from chains and balls. I was free from the one who caused me so much pain, from the one who also caused pain to my family. I enjoyed the company of my friends. I enjoyed my life because this is the way that I can forget my depression and trauma.

Never abandon your friends. True friends are hard to find now. They are your angels to guide and protect you. They will let you open your eyes when you are blind and open your heart when you’re like a stone.

I found a new love. I met him in two of my classes and fell in love with him. We do not have much in common except for music. We don’t have so much similarities. I love him. I love him because of the way he made me feel special in small ways.

Love comes in the most unexpected times of your life. Do not set your standards because you will only realize that you will not find your perfect one.

After few months, I fell in love with another guy. At first I don’t like him because I saw some traits of my ex in him. He was like a young version of my ex. But when time passed by, I ate what I said that I will never love someone who is like my ex. I saw that special something in him. I can’t explain but I fell in love with him. It was too late when I learned that there was a girl in his life. They are not yet committed but there’s something special going on between them. I tried to go away but I can’t. I was hooked. I was stranded. I can’t go but I can’t stay either. There was also something special between us. But when the time came to decide, I told him to end whatever is between us. We were in a very complicated situation.

I realized when the year nearly ended about something I have never thought I would realize. It’s something about a third party in a relationship. I realized that the third party isn’t really what they call the one who is more loved. The reality is that, he/she just happened to fill in the incompleteness in a person’s life and heart that the first one cannot give. It isn’t really about love but contentment and satisfaction.

I also realized that not all you want in this world will be given to you. Not everyone can love you the way you love them. There are times when you will be hurt because the person you love cannot love you back even though you seem to be perfect for him/her.

Another realization is that not everything that’s not wrong is right. Not everything that you think is right is right. There are times when you think something’s right is wrong after all. You have to listen to others especially to those who really care for you.

When you love, you have to love without asking for something in return. You love because you want to love and not because of something else.

When something suddenly came to your life, it might not last (but not always). In my case, I loved someone so fast. I never realized that the feeling I have for him will be gone the way it came to my senses.

Never be hooked on your past. It will do you no good. If you’re trapped in your past, you will not grow. There’s much ahead of you. You should only open your eyes and your heart in order to see and appreciate the things (and people) around you. Never be blind because you want something and you don’t even realize that a much better something else is just beside you because you are busy looking at what you want. It is like looking for an instrument in a music store and you are hooked up with the one you want. You never tried looking for something better.

Pain is normal. If you don’t feel pain, you’re not alive. Pain is the one that makes you alive because you feel it and you know it’s there. So when you’re hurt, just be thankful because you can feel it. It’s bitter sweet.

Till when will you wait? Wait until there’s no reason to wait. Wait until you realized that there’s nothing to wait for. Because if you force yourself to stop waiting, you will only wonder what might have been.

And, as what my best sis taught me, you always have a choice. it's not true that you don't have a choice. if you think you don't have, it's your choice to make that decision.

God answered my question. It was not my time when I did that because there’s so much in this life that I have to experience. I will meet new people. I will meet someone that I will love. I will experience happiness again. I will be filled with hope. If I died last March, I will not be able to meet romulus, or kristian, or gali. I will not be able to be with my beloved friends and family. I will not experience how to be strong. I will not be able to appreciate the little things around me. I will not be able to learn the value of life and love. I will not be able to meet my future husband (whoever that may be). I will not be happy again. I will not be able to fulfill my dreams. I will not be able to play in a jam and be given a flower. I will not be able to see my niece. I will not be able to feel the love that I deserve. I will not be able to realize that things happen for a reason. I will not be able to meet an angel.

In this life, there’s no grey, only black and white. And you should choose, where should you be, in black or in white. What should you be, black or white. Because in this life, grey is something complicated and it will never give you the happiness that you deserve. Everyone deserves happiness. Even the most evil person has the right to be happy. There’s no such thing as “in between” because we have the capacity to decide. But at times, you can’t stop yourself from going to the grey area. It gives you pain but it also gives you happiness. You can’t decide whether you will stay or not because you think that there is something special going on between the two of you. You can’t decide because you don’t want to be hurt. But if you think about it, whatever decision you make, you will be hurt. So you might as well choose the right one in order to be safe.

At this point of you life, you will ask yourself, what do I really want in my life? Choose the one that makes you happy. But what if your happiness will also give you pain. What will you do? I don’t know the answer to that, that is why everyday I ask myself “what now?” I still don’t have the courage to let go and move on. But I also don’t have the strength to hold on.

I’m in a rollercoaster ride. I lost when I loved. I loved when I lost.

So now is 2008. I wonder what will happen this year. Will I love again or lose again? How much tears will I shed? And how much laugh will I make? We will see.

Welcome 2008!!!!