Year-End thoughts 2011

My 2011 is about to end, just few more days. So how was my year?

It was full of challenges, I can say. I encountered a lot of problems and struggles both internal and external. Internal, well, it's the usual problem that I have. Like insecurities, loyalty-related problems and the like. It's hard if you struggle with yourself and you know what side will win. I've got issues in mind, just fears actually and I don't know how to deal with them.

It's also hard to be a working mom...it's really hard. Sometimes you will go home and finding that your daughter is already sleeping then the next day, you have to go out really early that she's still sleeping. You also have to deal with the awkward feeling that she prefers the yaya than you. Although this is pretty obvious because you are out the whole day. You have to juggle your time with your work, daughter, husband, chores...so there's none for yourself. It's actually fine that I don't have my "me" time, but the other stuff that I have to deal...they're just congested in one whole day. Sometimes, I reach home really tired that I don't have the energy to wash Ria's bottles. That was after Dann's accident. I have to do all the cleaning and washing by myself. But then, I feel happy to serve my family. That's what we call "motherhood".

When my mom and dad arrived, dad commented that mommy got "selos" with the yaya because we prefer to be with the yaya instead of her. Thank God I'm not alone. That is the challenge of being a working mom, sometimes you feel that you are out of the loop. And all you have to do is to spend quality time with your daughter to recover the time your spent working. But money can't buy wasted time and lost moments. Sometimes, I will be surprised that baby can do something new. I'll just feel a bit down that I didn't witness that moment. But then, that's life. You really can't control everything.

As part of my solution to my internal struggle, I built a blog solely for this struggle. All my thoughts, my emotions, my realizations will be written in that blog. It's still under construction but hopefully, lots of entries will be written soon.

I seek spiritual guidance and light. I am attending doctrine classes this school year. I am planning of getting a spiritual mentor. We have lots of priests in campus so it will not be hard to get one. This is also the reason why I want to read Paulo Coelho's books again. I need guidance. I need a mentor. I need someone to talk to.

I also encountered a lot of financial challenges during the latter part of the year. It started when Ria was hospitalized because of UTI and lactose intolerance. We spent all of our earnings (well, it was not that big though). Then after few weeks, Dann encountered an accident which we are still facing today. That accident taught a lot of things. We were unstable financially that time because Dann was about to resign. So his salary was held and his 13th month also. And the other driver was asking 20 percent of the total damage as our participation which was "according" to the insurance. I found out a lot of things about the case so everyone was telling me not to give money to the driver. He's just extorting money from us. But he's still contacting me for the money.

The accident also gave issues regarding Dann's resignation. His boss was trying to hold him because they have not yet hired his replacement (which is not his liability anymore). His boss gave a lot of things/documents for turnover just 2 days before his last day.

So this year, I can say that legality matters a lot. I learned a lot of things from these experiences. All my contacts suddenly came out and helped me get through the problem/s that I have and had.

Thank God that I have a patient and loving husband that getting through the trials was made easy and light a bit. I get to smile and laugh amid the side-by-side problems. The moments with my husband and daughter are priceless. Their smiles are irreplaceable. I cannot ask for more.

Every day, I'm thanking God for giving me the perfect husband. Although he has his imperfections, that doesn't mean that he's not perfect. God gave me the husband who can deal with me anytime, who can understand me, and who is willing to spend his entire life with a girl like me. Although I had a lot of questions to God, He answered promptly, then I understood.

Sometimes, your life will be full of downs. But He will surely guide you through. As what the old and usual saying goes, He will not give you something you can't bear. And I'm still holding on to that so I can float through life.

One of the things that I'm thankful...my husband is still alive after the accident. He could have died right then and there because of the impact. But his angels did their job well and I hope their wings are now well.

Well, my 2011 is fruitful I can say. Although I can't say that I'm stronger now, I know that I can get through the challenges that I will face. Slowly, one step at a time, I will be able to reach the finish line.

the homily and the little girl

I do not normally give money to those kids who step up the jeepneys and hand white envelopes asking for money to buy food, school supplies, meds for siblings, or anything (depending on the season) because I know they're under a syndicate and I don't want to tolerate those acts. But the priest's homily the other sunday was about meeting Jesus. He can be anyone, anywhere, anytime. The priest said that He can be the old man playing an instrument on footbridges (and you'll wonder how they get there) or the kid asking for money from jeepney passengers. But people do not give because they know they are under a syndicate. He also said that we should give even a small amount. And he even joked the Fita commercial about the fairy and the "sports car, yung red". His message was simple: we should give anything because the people whom we encounter might be Jesus. So I said to myself I should be good to other people (oh no, this morning I was rude to the driver who is extorting money from us. Well, that's another story. And I know he's not Jesus anyway)

So while I was on my way home, I rode a jeepney going to marikina. A little girl jumped up the jeepney and started to hand out white envelopes asking for money to buy stuff for Christmas (I told you, it depends on the occasion and season). I suddenly remembered the homily of the priest. So I gave two pesos, one inside and the envelope and the other was my change. I waited for the little girl to get the envelope. I was seated at the end of the jeepney so she came to me last. I noticed no one gave anything to her. So I happily handed her the envelope with a coin and my change. I was expecting a "thank you" and a smile since I was the only one who gave money to her. But she grabbed the envelope, stopped in front of me, took the other peso inside the envelope and put in her pocket then just before she jumped out (literally, she jumped out of the jeepney), she threw the other coin back inside the jeep! I was shocked (and kinda humiliated) then one passenger commented "tingnan mo yung batang yun". I just ignored what happened for few minutes and tried to think again what happened. But then I said to myself, someone will benefit from that coin. If not that girl, then someone will.

At least I tried to gave something hoping that it might be Jesus. But then, she was 'furious'. Is it because it's just a small amount?

Anyway, may God bless that kid.

Desiderata by Max Ehrman

(one of my fave poems...for many years, i have forgotten the message of this art.,It's time to recall the voice that shouted the message of self-acceptance)

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others,
even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Fear, Trust, Love and everything in between

I am in a happy marriage. I have an understanding husband, a cute little daughter, and God gives us the blessings that we deserve.

But I have this fear…fear of losing my husband..and this causes irritating situations between me and my husband. Trust is a separate issue. But I love him so much that it hurts every time we argue.

I fear that our marriage will fail someday because of me. This is why I’m trying my best to change. Failure doesn’t mean that we will go on separate ways. But there are just relationships where the parties change, they fall out of love but for valid and logical reasons, they opt to stick with one another.

Such relationships exist. That’s why I’m scared. I’m scared of being in that situation. I’m scared of failing. I may be a failure in other aspects but it will hurt me if this very important part of my life fails.

Trust. It is an ancient word and concept to me. I have lost my trust to men after I discovered that there are people who can lie to you to the extreme. I know that not all men are like that. But for me, it’s hard to regain that trust to people or guys because sh*t guys exist.

Trust. It is the thing that I want to regain. I want to fully trust my husband because I know he is sincere and honest. But fear of experiencing being cheated often comes to my mind. This is why I often calm my mind.

I love him so much. And this love led to the fear of losing him. I don’t want to be hurt again. This is also the reason why I am impatient especially when it comes to him. But as what Bo Sanchez said, impatience surfaces because people want to control things. People should be aware of the things that they can control and the things that they cannot. Everything in our life can be our area of concern but not are of control.

Maybe learning to be patient can help me calm my soul. Maybe when I gathered all my senses back, I can free from the chains of fear, distrust, and hate. I am a prisoner with shackles.

This is what I am learning now. To be free, to love right, and to walk in the right path.

10 Marriage Rules You Should Break

Forget age-old axioms for long-term wedded bliss

By Denise Schipani Posted April 26, 2010 from WomansDay.com

The two of you should do everything together; work out every disagreement (without actually fighting); spend every night in the same bed; and never, ever be bored. Say what?! These and other so-called “rules” for marriage need some serious debunking. And it’s not just because rules your mother may have passed on are outdated; some may be downright damaging. In fact, “breaking some marriage ‘rules’ may be the best thing you can do for your relationship,” says Barbara Bartlein, RN, MSW, psychotherapist and author of Why Did I Marry You Anyway? Here are 10 rules you can break with confidence.

1. Never go to bed angry.
Where did this one come from? Turns out, it may go as far back as the Bible, which advises not letting the sun go down on your anger. But trying to work through a problem when you’re tired and stressed won’t get you anywhere, says Elizabeth Lombardo, PhD, psychologist and author of A Happy You: Your Ultimate Prescription for Happiness. “Agree to disagree for now, and to revisit the issue when you’re rested.”

2. Always be 100% honest.

In marriage, no-holds-barred honesty is not always the best policy. For example, “you don’t need to share details of past relationships,” says Bartlein. “That invites comparisons, and when you compare, someone comes up short.” The bottom line: You need to be polite and caring when it comes to your partner’s feelings.

3. Never vacation without each other.

The received wisdom here is that if you have time off from your jobs and lives, you should naturally prefer to spend it together. One problem with this rule is that you and your spouse may not have the same definition of a great getaway (you like to ski, he’s a beach bum). The other danger, says Dr. Lombardo, is the belief “that you have to be each other’s everything, and that’s just not realistic.” Sometimes, you need a spa weekend, and he may want to go camping (or vice versa). Just be sure that you don’t always take off without each other.

4. If you fight, you’re headed for divorce.

Actually, says Bartlein, research shows that couples who never fight—assuming that means they’re holding back to avoid conflict—are more likely to split. You need to find ways to fight healthily and productively (without blaming, name-calling and the like), but that said, being committed to respectfully airing out conflicts is a far better rule than “keep your mouth shut.”

5. Once you have children, they come first.

“So often, I see couples who have put their relationship on hold in order to be good parents,” says Dr. Lombardo. But those couples, she says, have it exactly backward. Making your relationship top priority is better not just for you, but for your children, who need to see you in charge and who feel safer and more secure with parents who have a loving relationship. “Create couple-only time during which you do not discuss bills or children, where you do fun activities and enjoy each other's company.” The kids’ll be all right.

6. You should never sleep in separate beds.

Um, snore much? It’s a myth that couples always sleep better and more cozily together than apart. One partner may be a toss-and-turner, or one may hit the hay early while the other keeps a reading light burning till the wee hours. So if one of you occasionally decamps to the guest room, don’t sweat it. “Getting a good night’s sleep is crucial to the health of your mind, body and marriage,” says Dr. Lombardo. Just be sure a separate-bed habit isn’t about avoiding sex or physical intimacy.

7. Partners should sync up their hobbies.

Though spending every free moment you have training for a marathon while your spouse works on his classic car isn’t good for your marriage, neither is subscribing to the notion you should quit doing what you love just because your husband doesn’t love the same things. Giving up your passions is akin to forgoing your independence, and “without independence in a marriage people feel trapped,” says Bartlein. Pursue your separate interests and find activities you both enjoy.

8. If there’s no spark, you’re doomed.

Many married couples understand intellectually that they won’t always experience that I’ve-been-drugged-by-love feeling in a long-term relationship. “But many still believe that when the spark dies out, it means they’re in the wrong relationship, and seek something new,” says Bartlein. Long-term relationships survive on commitment and trust, out of which grows love. The mistake here is to believe that you can live forever on fireworks, or even just love, alone.

9. Boring is bad.

The problem with this so-called rule, says Bartlein, is when couples confuse a calm, predictable union with a bad one. A drama-filled relationship may feel exciting, but in the long run it’s not likely to be healthy. Isn’t it better, she says, to “boringly” know where your spouse is every night than to be “excited” by constant ups and downs? “Better to have a safe, relaxed, ‘boring’ life together in the everyday. You can always inject excitement with vacations and activities.”

10. You should have sex with your partner to make him/her happy.

This may be a particular problem for women, especially new mothers. “Sex becomes yet another item on your to-do list, and you think you have to do it for the sake of your marriage, and the happiness of your spouse,” says Dr. Lombardo. While neither of those reasons is wrong, they shouldn’t be the only reasons. “Sex is for both of you.”

mars and venus

ang tunay na lalaki, may skid marks sa brief...

yes, this is what almost all manly and straight men say. The first time i saw this on a shirt, i smirked. Why would men have skid marks on their briefs?

Then I got married. I really do not know men. It's like they really are a different species on earth. They have their own right and wrong, do's and don'ts, and most of all, they have different habits that most women do not have.

So now, married as i am, i do not let other people wash my undies (as always). and since i'm going to wash them, i will include my husband's. and the hardest part of being a wife, washing the underwear of her husband. so before i start, i will say to my husband, 'eto na naman ako, maglalaba na naman ng briefs mo'. then he'll know what i mean.

One time, i asked him, why do men have skid marks on their briefs? and why do they keep on scratching that in-between part? he just answered, 'e kasi pag pinawisan ka sa likod, dun ung direcho'. okay, so they have different biological stuff also..or is it women are just more prim and proper?

But then, i do not have something against men. i'm just so amazed that men and women really do have differences. and that men share the same 'habits', 'experiences', etc. and they do not deny those facts. and that's what makes them real men. :)

Ria's cute picture

Kids do know how to make you smile even if you're really sad or angry. And my baby does it very well.

And she's so lovely especially when she smiles... :)

"buti nabuntis ka"

That was the statement of my OB during my check up yesterday.

8 months after giving birth, I was diagnosed with polycystic ovaries. My OB told me that it is possible that they're polycystic even before I got pregnant. She also told me that it is a rare case.

Women who have polycystic ovaries are temporarily infertile although they can be corrected with some help of fertility pills. As for me, I didn't do anything to correct them but still, I have my baby now (and she was unexpected and still unexpected after learning my case).

It's purely amazing. Ria is really meant to be my daughter. It's God's plan. Everything's planned according to God's will. And I thank Him for giving me my husband and my daughter who changed me and the way I see things. And some of the questions were answered.

I know I'm not a very good Christian but He did some miracles in my life. All I do now is thank Him for another miracle. And I also thank Him for all the blessings (especially my daughter). God works in mysterious ways but He never fails to give hope. As long as we are alive, everything is possible...in God's will.

Thy will be done.

just few hours

This is what I like about Him. When i ask him to touch my heart and heal the wound, He will do so.

So after few hours of writing a hurtful entry, i feel light now. Maybe it's because He made me realize a lot of things this day...although not enough to make me a better wife. But then, the hurt is gradually fading..so i just told myself...just let it be...Thy will be done on this. and gradually, there will be no worries.,i'm still in a process so i can't say that tomorrow, everything will be alright..

No more worst case scenarios, no more doubts, just trust...then i can say when i reach that stage that i am ready to be a better wife for him..because i love him so much that i want everything to be well between us. I don't want to ruin everything just because of those stupid memories that keep on coming back every time i'm hurt.

Just love.

still hurting

and this is one of my hardest times..it is unfair that i am being tested on my weakest..i am vulnerable.

i am weak and vulnerable. just what i used to be. and almost everything came back. now i have start from scratch again. and i feel worthless. back to square one.

the most painful is when the one who you love so much incurred the pain..i was hurt, and still hurting. i try to be ok but the all the progress i made were erased.,i don't know what else to do..it hurts so bad.,

i was almost halfway through the sojourn of overcoming the painful memories, but where am i now?.i was afraid to be hurt, but it happened again.,this time, more painful than before.,i was numbed by the pain.,i am numb.

and i feel that everything has changed. i am afraid.

the "loyal" wedding

In 24 years and 1 month, I will be marrying a man who is responsible, loving, and the man of my dreams. I will be happy after the marriage...because after 24 years, I want to marry the same man I married 11 months ago. I will still be happy after the ceremony just like what i felt after our marriage ceremony.

last night, i attended a ceremony for renewal of vows, in time for the 25th wedding anniversary of our colleague in CFA.,it was the first time..

there were many realizations during the event..what will i look like after 24 years? i want to use the original veil, cord, and arrhae..how many children will we have after 24 years?.

the bottom line is , i wanna marry again the man who made my life complete...

my lakbayan grade is C!

Should I celebrate or not? I know, i have not visited much of the country's towns...Soon, i will! :)

My Lakbayan grade is C!

How much of the Philippines have you visited? Find out at Lakbayan!

Created by Eugene Villar.

loyalty and marriage

there are so many things that i learn in our office. The environment is intellectually challenging both for political and moral views. That's why I tell to myself that this is the reason why God sent me here...it is to learn the lessons i need to learn..or hear them. Lessons in life are best taught by people who have done so many things in their life.

After the Tagaytay trip where I heard the advice of my boss about building trust and giving space, I have learned a lot of things when it comes to morals. Somewhere along my journey for maturity, I lived my life against the norms. It's because norms are just the rules and MORALS that people impose in the society. So I broke so many rules, done things that NORMAL people wouldn't do...I enjoyed my life and learned so many things along the way.

Then the other day came, we were talking as we always do after lunch. We suddenly came to the topic about loyalty and adultery. What would you choose, love or work? Then one of the senior staffs said that we should go back to the basics: Ten commandments. I know, I'm working in a non-sectarian university but with influence from Opus Dei. So the morals are still slanting towards Catholicism and Christianity.

It was a debate, real debate. Then one of them said that it's not right if you are not doing the right thing or hurting someone. If you are married, stick to it. God blessed married couples so the marriage should be forever.

Then the other one said that there are a lot of people or couples who are separated because they let their emotions rule their minds. The rebuttal: they are still thinking. Then the answer: Yes, they're thinking to justify their emotions so they end up justifying the wrong thing. And those wrong justifications become norm that's why couple nowadays think that it is ok to separate and break their marriage.

Then I realized, yes, she's correct. The norm now about marriage lacks the basic and fundamental idea of marriage that's why there are a lot of broken families and suffering kids. That's why there are a lot of kids who grow up being rebels to their families because they didn't feel the love that they supposed to receive. That's the reason why the teens do not take relationships seriously.

Masyadong burgis ang pagmamahal at relasyon ngayon sa lipunan. Papalit-palit, pinagsasabay, at walang commitment. Dahil un ang tinuturo sa mga tao na dapat baguhin.

give space and built trust

Thy will be done…

Yesterday was our sched for Tagaytay and we agreed that anyone not in the school at 6:30am will be left behind. So while going to the school, I was praying to God that His will be done. That if He likes me to go, then I will not be left behind…it’s because I knew for sure I will be late. But when I arrived, they were still there but about to go…so I joined them to the trip…

Then before the day ended, we were having coffee at Bag of Beans. For some reason, the topic went to relationships and marriage…my boss told us that in order for the marriage to work, we should give space and build trust…I was hit immediately with his words…he said that if wives don’t like to be suffocated (that’s the exact word he used), guys also don’t like that…it should be mutual..there should be a mutual understanding…it was exactly what I need…

Then while on our way back to manila, I was assessing myself…had so many thoughts…

I suddenly felt so peaceful and happy. I dunno, but maybe that’s why God let me be with them yesterday…in order for me to hear what my boss will say…and to contemplate on things that I should do.

skeptical

Discovery leads to skepticism. And even when I have the most suitable answers, I still question them. I think this is paranoia. My thoughts are eating me and my heart bit by bit, beat after beat. I want to forget. If only memory gap can help me forget the things that needed to be forgotten. But they chose to stay…and I let them stay.

Can I call you? Will you answer? Will you try to understand me? Will you not get tired of dealing with me?

Everyday I battle with myself and I’m always defeated.

That when I discover things, I get skeptical. Is it good? At least I’m not passive, but I doubt.

surreal

still can't believe i'm using your surname..it's surreal..and it feels good every time i say my name or write it in forms..i love you so much..i'm so blessed to have you in my life..

everyday

every day, i can't help but thank the Lord for giving you as my husband..before we met, i don't have any concept of what my ideal man is..i just tell to myself that Lord will give me the right one for me..so i was not asking for specific traits or characteristics..then God gave you to me..i realized that He is so good for giving me the person that is perfect in my life..the person that i needed..the person who will help me grow..and every day i say to myself that you are ideal..that unconsciously, you are the one that i wanted in my life..who will complete me (it's cliche, i know)..and that all my exes are nothing compared to you..you are a complete package that God gave me ..you have all the perks that i needed..i suddenly realized that you are the one i wanted in my life..and God really knows what we need in our life..i suddenly had a concept of what ideal is...you.

you are what i perfectly need in my life, you are my ideal.. :)

it's been a while

it's been more or less four months since the last time I wrote in this blog..this is supposed to be my 2010 year-end thoughts though i know it's really late for that..but still, i want to write about my 2010.

the year 2010 was full of blessings.,one of the greatest experiences that i had was when i saw my husband-to-be waiting for me at the altar wearing a smile that i can't explain and the other one was when i saw my baby girl for the first time at the hospital..those were the happiest and unforgettable experiences that i had in my 2010.,i started the year as a single individual and ended it with a husband and a baby..i can say that 2010 is my happiest year although i experienced many changes in my life..well, i just have to adapt to those changes and keep on living my life..

I keep on saying to myself that this is the reason why God didn't let me die in 2007.,i still have a great life ahead of me..i will still meet the man meant for me..and i will still bear the child that will suddenly change my life..God didn't want to give me a dead end..He wanted to give the life that i deserve..He wanted me to realize that although i experienced some b*llsh*t in my past, there is still someone who will save from despair..He wanted me to realize that life is beautiful, full of hope, and enjoyable if you share it with the one you love..He wanted me to be whole again..and to keep my life comical, i tell my husband that God said to Himself "kawawa naman tong batang to, si joy pa nmn ang hiniling nia sakin..kung kukunin ko na sya, mahihirapan na ko ulit maghanap ng ibibigay kay dann"...and of course, my husband will laugh sarcastically.. :)

Dann is changing me..honestly, i'm experiencing an internal struggle..and it's the struggle that is hardest to fight..imagine you battle with yourself, or better yet, your thoughts..and your thoughts are sometimes tricky..coz if you have an internal struggle, you are killing yourself inside..you become confused of what you feel and think..that's why it's hard to battle with your own thoughts..it's the reason you become illogical..

How long will this struggle last?.i don't know..as long as i hold on to those stupid thoughts..i don't know how to win..but i keep on fighting everyday..i'm bleeding..but soldiers bleed to win the battle.

so my 2010?.it's worth living..it's worth remembering.,and my life doesn't end here,,i still have many years to live and share with my family..i still have a lot of memories to keep, lessons to learn, and love to give..and i thank God for giving me the right person..the person that i exactly need in my life (in so many ways)..God really loves me..He didn't want me to suffer all my life so He gave me my husband, Dann..along with my daughter, Ria.. :)