night thoughts

i was suddenly awaken by a phone call...but i was not sleeping. in fact, i was wide awake. this is the reason for the awakening. i was awake but not in reality. yes, i am emotional once again.

i need to sleep but how am i going to do that?.i rolled, changed my position, sketched, and cross stitched. i'm still awake. i am awake.

am i?. not really,,not in every aspect of my life. i feel that most of my parts are sleeping. my mind, my heart,,i'm suddenly stunned by reality. i got lagged. paused. not moving an inch.

...where do i have to go?.or do i have to?.i know i have to. i know i want to. i want to change this stunning, this pausing...because i know i'm passive.

i'm tired of thinking.
i'm tired of showing numbness in me
i'm tired...of moving.
because i know what i'm doing is wrong. indeed.

at least i know that i'm wrong. i admit it. i am aware. no need to tell me.
i have hurt too much, not for myself but for others. i hurt. they hurt. he hurts.

this is reality. this is the world. this is my world.
this is where i'm moving.
and this is where i'm going to start changing.

crossroads? no. not anymore. i'm moving inch by inch each day. but at times, i'm stepping backwards. but the bottomline is, i do not stop moving.

i am not stunned at all.
this is what i have realized now (just now)
coz i'm sailing. but not away. towards.

i know i can get to the finish line. to the island. to the shore. to where my heart leads me to.
this is me. this is who i am.
i can change. but not entirely.
i can remove things. but not all.
i can still be me. but only half.

because half of me belongs to you.
only to you.

.i love you.