..crossroads..

just reviewed my past blogs and i realized i am again in a crossroad.,maybe i'm just overreacting or something that's why i feel this sh*t inside me..do i have the reasons to feel them overpowering me? now i know that i'm really that weak..a weakling. and here i am, playing my game. just trying to enjoy the game while everything around is screwed up (but not totally..it's just that when it comes to my perception in my work, i'm screwed up). I know that each and every single day is new and unique, but before the day starts, i can feel the emptiness in what i'm doing. weeks before, the only reason why i still go to work is because of him. and now, it's even hard for us to see each other because we have different shifts. but as what he had said, they are only schedules. so we're struggling or rather i'm struggling every freaking day. i'm struggling just to survive the day. i'm empty. i'm null. but i convince myself that i'm not hopeless. there's still hope when i'm with him. still hoping that someday, i will be really happy with what i'm doing. but then, i'm trying to assess myself, maybe the real problem is me. i mean, i like to get things that easy that's why i'm struggling right now. i wanna quit but a part of me is saying that i should go on to prove myself. am i supposed to do that? this is where the crossroad comes in. i'm lost, i wanna go home.

..requited love..

In love, yes…but I can feel the avoidance and refrainment of my subconscious (if you can call it subconscious). Maybe it’s my defense mechanism brought by my past relationship. I am now afraid to fall deeply in love again…but he taught me, or teaching me to trust again…not to be afraid, not to be afraid of falling in love again. He’s teaching me and making me feel the security. He’s making me feel the warm blanket around me, around us. He’s teaching me something that I already forgot…and that’s the connection of love and trust. I thought that trust will never come again in my life. but he proved me wrong. At first, I thought all guys are the same. To tell you, I am hard to manage…really hard to manage. But he’s doing it, in spite of all the things that happened to me and all the thoughts that I had. Now, my heart is gradually coping, gradually breathing, gradually beating as before. It’s because of his protection, it’s because of his love. That’s why I am once again ready to love and trust again…to bring back the old heart that loves continuously without doubt. To love myself and the one who loves me. I am recuperating from a disastrous or traumatic relationship. This is a new beginning. Everything’s new, everything’s fresh. Nevertheless, the lessons are still with me, assuring that I’ll never forget them.