Year-End thoughts 2011

My 2011 is about to end, just few more days. So how was my year?

It was full of challenges, I can say. I encountered a lot of problems and struggles both internal and external. Internal, well, it's the usual problem that I have. Like insecurities, loyalty-related problems and the like. It's hard if you struggle with yourself and you know what side will win. I've got issues in mind, just fears actually and I don't know how to deal with them.

It's also hard to be a working mom...it's really hard. Sometimes you will go home and finding that your daughter is already sleeping then the next day, you have to go out really early that she's still sleeping. You also have to deal with the awkward feeling that she prefers the yaya than you. Although this is pretty obvious because you are out the whole day. You have to juggle your time with your work, daughter, husband, chores...so there's none for yourself. It's actually fine that I don't have my "me" time, but the other stuff that I have to deal...they're just congested in one whole day. Sometimes, I reach home really tired that I don't have the energy to wash Ria's bottles. That was after Dann's accident. I have to do all the cleaning and washing by myself. But then, I feel happy to serve my family. That's what we call "motherhood".

When my mom and dad arrived, dad commented that mommy got "selos" with the yaya because we prefer to be with the yaya instead of her. Thank God I'm not alone. That is the challenge of being a working mom, sometimes you feel that you are out of the loop. And all you have to do is to spend quality time with your daughter to recover the time your spent working. But money can't buy wasted time and lost moments. Sometimes, I will be surprised that baby can do something new. I'll just feel a bit down that I didn't witness that moment. But then, that's life. You really can't control everything.

As part of my solution to my internal struggle, I built a blog solely for this struggle. All my thoughts, my emotions, my realizations will be written in that blog. It's still under construction but hopefully, lots of entries will be written soon.

I seek spiritual guidance and light. I am attending doctrine classes this school year. I am planning of getting a spiritual mentor. We have lots of priests in campus so it will not be hard to get one. This is also the reason why I want to read Paulo Coelho's books again. I need guidance. I need a mentor. I need someone to talk to.

I also encountered a lot of financial challenges during the latter part of the year. It started when Ria was hospitalized because of UTI and lactose intolerance. We spent all of our earnings (well, it was not that big though). Then after few weeks, Dann encountered an accident which we are still facing today. That accident taught a lot of things. We were unstable financially that time because Dann was about to resign. So his salary was held and his 13th month also. And the other driver was asking 20 percent of the total damage as our participation which was "according" to the insurance. I found out a lot of things about the case so everyone was telling me not to give money to the driver. He's just extorting money from us. But he's still contacting me for the money.

The accident also gave issues regarding Dann's resignation. His boss was trying to hold him because they have not yet hired his replacement (which is not his liability anymore). His boss gave a lot of things/documents for turnover just 2 days before his last day.

So this year, I can say that legality matters a lot. I learned a lot of things from these experiences. All my contacts suddenly came out and helped me get through the problem/s that I have and had.

Thank God that I have a patient and loving husband that getting through the trials was made easy and light a bit. I get to smile and laugh amid the side-by-side problems. The moments with my husband and daughter are priceless. Their smiles are irreplaceable. I cannot ask for more.

Every day, I'm thanking God for giving me the perfect husband. Although he has his imperfections, that doesn't mean that he's not perfect. God gave me the husband who can deal with me anytime, who can understand me, and who is willing to spend his entire life with a girl like me. Although I had a lot of questions to God, He answered promptly, then I understood.

Sometimes, your life will be full of downs. But He will surely guide you through. As what the old and usual saying goes, He will not give you something you can't bear. And I'm still holding on to that so I can float through life.

One of the things that I'm thankful...my husband is still alive after the accident. He could have died right then and there because of the impact. But his angels did their job well and I hope their wings are now well.

Well, my 2011 is fruitful I can say. Although I can't say that I'm stronger now, I know that I can get through the challenges that I will face. Slowly, one step at a time, I will be able to reach the finish line.