just few hours

This is what I like about Him. When i ask him to touch my heart and heal the wound, He will do so.

So after few hours of writing a hurtful entry, i feel light now. Maybe it's because He made me realize a lot of things this day...although not enough to make me a better wife. But then, the hurt is gradually fading..so i just told myself...just let it be...Thy will be done on this. and gradually, there will be no worries.,i'm still in a process so i can't say that tomorrow, everything will be alright..

No more worst case scenarios, no more doubts, just trust...then i can say when i reach that stage that i am ready to be a better wife for him..because i love him so much that i want everything to be well between us. I don't want to ruin everything just because of those stupid memories that keep on coming back every time i'm hurt.

Just love.

still hurting

and this is one of my hardest times..it is unfair that i am being tested on my weakest..i am vulnerable.

i am weak and vulnerable. just what i used to be. and almost everything came back. now i have start from scratch again. and i feel worthless. back to square one.

the most painful is when the one who you love so much incurred the pain..i was hurt, and still hurting. i try to be ok but the all the progress i made were erased.,i don't know what else to do..it hurts so bad.,

i was almost halfway through the sojourn of overcoming the painful memories, but where am i now?.i was afraid to be hurt, but it happened again.,this time, more painful than before.,i was numbed by the pain.,i am numb.

and i feel that everything has changed. i am afraid.

the "loyal" wedding

In 24 years and 1 month, I will be marrying a man who is responsible, loving, and the man of my dreams. I will be happy after the marriage...because after 24 years, I want to marry the same man I married 11 months ago. I will still be happy after the ceremony just like what i felt after our marriage ceremony.

last night, i attended a ceremony for renewal of vows, in time for the 25th wedding anniversary of our colleague in CFA.,it was the first time..

there were many realizations during the event..what will i look like after 24 years? i want to use the original veil, cord, and arrhae..how many children will we have after 24 years?.

the bottom line is , i wanna marry again the man who made my life complete...

my lakbayan grade is C!

Should I celebrate or not? I know, i have not visited much of the country's towns...Soon, i will! :)

My Lakbayan grade is C!

How much of the Philippines have you visited? Find out at Lakbayan!

Created by Eugene Villar.

loyalty and marriage

there are so many things that i learn in our office. The environment is intellectually challenging both for political and moral views. That's why I tell to myself that this is the reason why God sent me here...it is to learn the lessons i need to learn..or hear them. Lessons in life are best taught by people who have done so many things in their life.

After the Tagaytay trip where I heard the advice of my boss about building trust and giving space, I have learned a lot of things when it comes to morals. Somewhere along my journey for maturity, I lived my life against the norms. It's because norms are just the rules and MORALS that people impose in the society. So I broke so many rules, done things that NORMAL people wouldn't do...I enjoyed my life and learned so many things along the way.

Then the other day came, we were talking as we always do after lunch. We suddenly came to the topic about loyalty and adultery. What would you choose, love or work? Then one of the senior staffs said that we should go back to the basics: Ten commandments. I know, I'm working in a non-sectarian university but with influence from Opus Dei. So the morals are still slanting towards Catholicism and Christianity.

It was a debate, real debate. Then one of them said that it's not right if you are not doing the right thing or hurting someone. If you are married, stick to it. God blessed married couples so the marriage should be forever.

Then the other one said that there are a lot of people or couples who are separated because they let their emotions rule their minds. The rebuttal: they are still thinking. Then the answer: Yes, they're thinking to justify their emotions so they end up justifying the wrong thing. And those wrong justifications become norm that's why couple nowadays think that it is ok to separate and break their marriage.

Then I realized, yes, she's correct. The norm now about marriage lacks the basic and fundamental idea of marriage that's why there are a lot of broken families and suffering kids. That's why there are a lot of kids who grow up being rebels to their families because they didn't feel the love that they supposed to receive. That's the reason why the teens do not take relationships seriously.

Masyadong burgis ang pagmamahal at relasyon ngayon sa lipunan. Papalit-palit, pinagsasabay, at walang commitment. Dahil un ang tinuturo sa mga tao na dapat baguhin.

give space and built trust

Thy will be done…

Yesterday was our sched for Tagaytay and we agreed that anyone not in the school at 6:30am will be left behind. So while going to the school, I was praying to God that His will be done. That if He likes me to go, then I will not be left behind…it’s because I knew for sure I will be late. But when I arrived, they were still there but about to go…so I joined them to the trip…

Then before the day ended, we were having coffee at Bag of Beans. For some reason, the topic went to relationships and marriage…my boss told us that in order for the marriage to work, we should give space and build trust…I was hit immediately with his words…he said that if wives don’t like to be suffocated (that’s the exact word he used), guys also don’t like that…it should be mutual..there should be a mutual understanding…it was exactly what I need…

Then while on our way back to manila, I was assessing myself…had so many thoughts…

I suddenly felt so peaceful and happy. I dunno, but maybe that’s why God let me be with them yesterday…in order for me to hear what my boss will say…and to contemplate on things that I should do.

skeptical

Discovery leads to skepticism. And even when I have the most suitable answers, I still question them. I think this is paranoia. My thoughts are eating me and my heart bit by bit, beat after beat. I want to forget. If only memory gap can help me forget the things that needed to be forgotten. But they chose to stay…and I let them stay.

Can I call you? Will you answer? Will you try to understand me? Will you not get tired of dealing with me?

Everyday I battle with myself and I’m always defeated.

That when I discover things, I get skeptical. Is it good? At least I’m not passive, but I doubt.