..crossroads..

just reviewed my past blogs and i realized i am again in a crossroad.,maybe i'm just overreacting or something that's why i feel this sh*t inside me..do i have the reasons to feel them overpowering me? now i know that i'm really that weak..a weakling. and here i am, playing my game. just trying to enjoy the game while everything around is screwed up (but not totally..it's just that when it comes to my perception in my work, i'm screwed up). I know that each and every single day is new and unique, but before the day starts, i can feel the emptiness in what i'm doing. weeks before, the only reason why i still go to work is because of him. and now, it's even hard for us to see each other because we have different shifts. but as what he had said, they are only schedules. so we're struggling or rather i'm struggling every freaking day. i'm struggling just to survive the day. i'm empty. i'm null. but i convince myself that i'm not hopeless. there's still hope when i'm with him. still hoping that someday, i will be really happy with what i'm doing. but then, i'm trying to assess myself, maybe the real problem is me. i mean, i like to get things that easy that's why i'm struggling right now. i wanna quit but a part of me is saying that i should go on to prove myself. am i supposed to do that? this is where the crossroad comes in. i'm lost, i wanna go home.

..requited love..

In love, yes…but I can feel the avoidance and refrainment of my subconscious (if you can call it subconscious). Maybe it’s my defense mechanism brought by my past relationship. I am now afraid to fall deeply in love again…but he taught me, or teaching me to trust again…not to be afraid, not to be afraid of falling in love again. He’s teaching me and making me feel the security. He’s making me feel the warm blanket around me, around us. He’s teaching me something that I already forgot…and that’s the connection of love and trust. I thought that trust will never come again in my life. but he proved me wrong. At first, I thought all guys are the same. To tell you, I am hard to manage…really hard to manage. But he’s doing it, in spite of all the things that happened to me and all the thoughts that I had. Now, my heart is gradually coping, gradually breathing, gradually beating as before. It’s because of his protection, it’s because of his love. That’s why I am once again ready to love and trust again…to bring back the old heart that loves continuously without doubt. To love myself and the one who loves me. I am recuperating from a disastrous or traumatic relationship. This is a new beginning. Everything’s new, everything’s fresh. Nevertheless, the lessons are still with me, assuring that I’ll never forget them.

i'm supposed to be at the ops area now, but here i am, contemplating on what had happened just a while ago

yup,,i really had a very bad shift today..but then, i don't feel that bad at all..it's a sad thing..supposedly, i'm on the phone right now till 8am but then because of the bad conversion, i was sent home by our supervisor..actually, i'm not interested in going home,,not at this time..i'll just wait here till my wavemates are done taking in calls..it's actually a sad thing but then i have no choice.,the good thing here is that i'm still positive now..it's really weird that the event didn't hit my emotions..i'm just looking at the brighter side now..at least my voice box can rest now.,right?.

anyway,so here i am..deeply contemplating on some stuff about my life..but then, i'm still happy.,because of someone., :)

yesterday, today, tomorrow

i love you more each day.. :)

i really do love you mahal ko...

fairytale in our life

Once in a while, we dream of having our own fairytale. The one with "happily ever after" and the one where we find our prince charming. But fairytales aren't true. There's no such thing as fairytale in reality. Why? It is because there are really not happily-ever-afters and we can't find our perfect prince.

But fairytales give us hope...we learn to dream. This is what's important in our life...our dreams. But we should not just stop there. We have to live in our own dreams that are close to reality.

In life, we can't have our happily ever after because believe it or not, agree with me or not, there are really problems that we have to face. BUT...we can be happy even if we have our own problems. It's just how we deal with them...how we see them. We should be skeptical...this is a must. But this should not shatter our dreams...so we can reach our own happiness. With this, we can say that we have lived our life to the fullest...just like a "happy ending". Endings signify new beginnings. So we should not be disappointed if something in our life has ended. This is the signal that we have to move on...move on from all the things that we have held on to. Because things aren't permanent. The only constant thing in this world is change. So why hold back to those things that need to be changed? Because whether we like it or not, we lose one...but we gain two. This is how life works.

So never stop dreaming and believing...because if things aren't perfect now, sooner or later, everything will change and will be all fine...and this is what we can now call our own fairytale.

night thoughts

i was suddenly awaken by a phone call...but i was not sleeping. in fact, i was wide awake. this is the reason for the awakening. i was awake but not in reality. yes, i am emotional once again.

i need to sleep but how am i going to do that?.i rolled, changed my position, sketched, and cross stitched. i'm still awake. i am awake.

am i?. not really,,not in every aspect of my life. i feel that most of my parts are sleeping. my mind, my heart,,i'm suddenly stunned by reality. i got lagged. paused. not moving an inch.

...where do i have to go?.or do i have to?.i know i have to. i know i want to. i want to change this stunning, this pausing...because i know i'm passive.

i'm tired of thinking.
i'm tired of showing numbness in me
i'm tired...of moving.
because i know what i'm doing is wrong. indeed.

at least i know that i'm wrong. i admit it. i am aware. no need to tell me.
i have hurt too much, not for myself but for others. i hurt. they hurt. he hurts.

this is reality. this is the world. this is my world.
this is where i'm moving.
and this is where i'm going to start changing.

crossroads? no. not anymore. i'm moving inch by inch each day. but at times, i'm stepping backwards. but the bottomline is, i do not stop moving.

i am not stunned at all.
this is what i have realized now (just now)
coz i'm sailing. but not away. towards.

i know i can get to the finish line. to the island. to the shore. to where my heart leads me to.
this is me. this is who i am.
i can change. but not entirely.
i can remove things. but not all.
i can still be me. but only half.

because half of me belongs to you.
only to you.

.i love you.

..it all went well..

yup..i thought it would be one of my worst, but it didn't. i was surprised of how everything went fine.. :)