in preparation

i'm preparing myself for the possibilities that will and can happen in the future..
i'm just hoping that my preparation is enough to have me emotionally and psychologically stable.
i don't like what i'm feeling right now..i know that it is wrong. (very wrong indeed)
i hope that someday, i'll treat you just like any other person in my life..not as special as you seem right now..

i miss you..that's one thing for sure..even if i deny it many times, i know that i'm feeling that way..that i feel something special for you..whoever you are,.i hope i can say it to you..but i don't have the guts to do that. i don't want to ruin the friendship that we've built..i don't want to ruin everything..

for now, i'm preparing myself...

..manong, marikina!..

yeah, this is one of our jokes here in baguio..pag nag-aasaran, minsan kunyari walk-out tas sisigaw ng manong tas kung san gusto pumunta..tas parang magpapara ng cab..at kadalasan e kung san nakatira mga gusto nmin..harhar..just moments ago, i remembered the good days that we spent here (together with my two bestest bestfriends)..the way we laugh at our own corny jokes, and the way we pretend to get a cab and go anywhere we want...

i suddenly felt empty..

empty of what i should have.

bgla kong nafeel na gusto kong bumaba..i miss my home..i miss my sisters..i miss my parents..i miss my bestfriends.

actually, i'm not really empty..they're there..it's just that maybe i'm longing for their hug (and un ang super kelangan ko ngayon)...their presence...

if i could just go to session road, ride a cab and tell the driver..."manong, marikina..."

...i would

..untitled..

ayokong umuwi.pagkat pagdating ko sa bahay ay katahimikan ang sasalubong sa akin.natatakot ako sa katahimikan dahil marami itong sinasabi.ayokong pakinggan ang sinasabi ng katahimikan.dapat ay may ginagawa akong mga ipapasa bukas.pero ayokong tumayo sa upuan upang magbayad at umalis.saan naman ako pupunta?saan ako pupulutin?wala rin namang handang salubungin ako.wala rin namang handang sunduin ako.walang handang pagbuksan ang pinto upang patuluyin ako.

saan na naman kaya ako mapapadpad nito?wala na naman kasiguraduhan.dahil bawat yapak ay walang direksyon.bawat yapak ay isang pagaalinlangan.bawat yapak ay patungo kung saan man.bawat yapak ay papunta...saan nga ba?

ayokong magisip.sa sobrang dami ng iniisip ko ay hindi ko na alam kung ano ang iisipin.maraming sinisigaw ang utak ko.kung ano rin ang isinisigaw ng puso ko.

IKAW.

..i'm just missin' you badly..

yeah.,tama nga.,tulad ng title ng blog na toh, i miss you..ewan..ewan q rin sa sarili q..i really think this is weird, the fact that i'm missin you..cguro nga para sa mga tao na close q, sanay na cla sa ganitong scenario..but as for me, i still find it weird to be attracted or be attached so fast..i'm assessing everything that has happened, and hindi ko tlga maisip kung kelan at paano..i just felt it..it lingers..your presence lingers..

kaya mejo nagbago lahat ng pananaw q sa buhay..harhar..it's really funny how a person like you change everything or all of my plans in life..i can still remember the moment that you asked me about my plans after graduation..harhar..wala lang..i just find it funny now that i suddenly didn't answer you about my real plans..bigla akong nablanko..kung napansin mo..bgla akong nagisip..coz at that very moment, i was just thinking about you and me together at that time..it's sad that the time flew so fast and we never noticed that soon, the sun will be up..i stayed awake all night with you..and that will be in my memory forever..the moments when we don't have any plan in our life (and it ended up walking along session road)..i really enjoyed your company..gusto kong kausap ang mga taong kagaya mo..hehe, and so many bloopers happened..

kaya tuloy, i'm missin' you right now...

..laya..

ikaw ang taong mapagpalaya...
ikaw ang taong nagpalaya...
at ikaw ang taong magpapalaya...

oo, ikaw nga. bkt ba kasi sa tuwing sasapit ang umaga ay ikaw ang naiisip ko..na sana khit makita ka man lang khit ndi tayo magusap, o hindi mo ko makita. khit na tingnan lang kita sa malayong lugar.

hindi ako nahihiyang aminin na gusto kita sa ibang tao. pero gaya ng dati, nahihiya ako pag ikaw na ang katapat ko. hindi ko na masabi ang gusto kong sabihin. hindi na ako makapagsalita. ngingiti nlng ako kasabay ng iyong magagandang ngiti. mga ngiting nagiging dahilan para ako'y manghina, at hayaan nlng ang lahat ng nararamdaman ko. bahala na.

hindi ako nahihiyang aminin na gusto kita. hindi ako nahihiya. hindi ako natatakot sa kung anuman ang sasabihin ng mga tao. pero ang hindi lang nila alam na hindi pa akong handang ipagsabi ay ang katotohanang hindi kita gusto...pero unti-unti na kitang minamahal.

ikaw ang taong magpapalaya. at ito ay sa maraming bagay. isa na ako don. isa ako sa mga palalayain mo. oo matagal na kong nagpalaya, pero hindi sa ganitong aspeto. hindi ko na kelangan pang palawigin, alam kong naiintindihan mo na. handa na ako, kung hindi man sayo...khit sa iba. tanggap ko na.

oo, ikaw nga. ikaw ang taong magpapalaya sa akin sa isang kahong madilim na matagal kong pinagkulungan. kung noo'y may kaunting liwanag, ngayon ay nakalabas na.

oo. ikaw ang taong nsa puso ko ngyon.

oo. ikaw ang babaeng gusto ko.

..unrequited love..

the unrequited love...

the heartache and heartbreak...

this is what i am supposed to be. this is what i should be.

i thought i've started to move on. i thought that i already took the first step. i just thought. but where am i now? how am i suppose to live? maybe i've already took the first step but i was not yet finished when i suddenly felt everything that i've felt before. everything came back so fast that i had no time to prevent it. i felt it again once more. i've wanted to build a shield around me so that i will not feel anything for him again. now this time, i have proven myself that i am not numb. because until now, i am still crying. my eyes are still crying while my heart is still sobbing.

..time and tide by basia..

It's hard for me to stop my heart
love never knows
when the time is right
I don't want to hurt
anybody but
can't help loving you

I never felt like this before
I know this is passion
worth waiting for
let love take take its course
that's the only thing
for us to do

We got time, oh baby,
there's no rush
gonna be a better
day for us
hang on
and I will
wait for you
our love will always stay as good as new

Time and tide
nothing and no one
can stop us now
for better for worse
this time I'm sure
it's gonna last

How can I stop my heart?
Love never knows
when the time is right
don't want to hurt
anybody
don't want to make them cry
don't want to make them cry

We've got time, oh baby
there's no rush
gonna be a better
day for us
hang on
and I will wait for you
Our love will always stay as good as...
new

It's a matter of time
only a matter of...
Time and tide
nothing and no one
can stop us now
for better for worse
this time I'm sure
it's gonna last
gonna last forever

We got time, oh baby
there's no rush
gonna be a better
day for us
hang on
and I will wait for you